I am doing everything in my power to not let this disease stop me living a 'normal' life. As you can see I am currently doing so well at this that I am in bed at 9:21PM. On a Friday night. Updating my blog.
I'm not in bed because I'm in pain, though. I mean, I am in pain. But I can fight pain. I cannot, however, fight fatigue. I thought I could, right up until last night when I had what can only be described as a highly embarrassing break down and found myself using the phrase, 'I can't cope anymore.' Now if you've ever read my blog before you will know that this is a phrase that just simply isn't in my vocabulary. But I cannot put on a brave face any more. I am suffering from severe chronic fatigue. I wake up tired. I go to placement tired. I make it to lunch time before I have to come home and sleep for three hours. I force myself to get up, still tired. And then a couple hours later I go to sleep for the night, usually by 9:30PM. This is what my 24-year-old life has become. I genuinely cannot remember the last time I didn't feel tired. On Wednesday I was actually scared to drive home from placement because I wasn't sure I could stay awake for long enough to make it back alive. Yesterday at 4:30PM I was so exhausted I actually thought I was going to pass out. And right now I am lying in bed sweating because I don't have the energy to stand up and turn the radiator off. My radiator is three metres away.
As if my energy levels weren't low enough already, I seem to be using the very little energy I do have attempting to explain to people how I am feeling. The problem lies with the word 'tired'. I can't say that I'm tired without the person next to me telling me they're tired, too. And they may well be. But that does not even come close to how I am feeling. The truth is, there is no word for how I am feeling. Someone needs to invent one and quick. I know what people are thinking. If I have afternoon naps (or 'Cat naps' as the boyfriend oh so HILARIOUSLY calls them) then I'm lazy. If I go to bed at 9:30PM then I'm boring. And if I don't fit any revision in around my busy schedule of sleeping then I don't work very hard. Yep, these are all ways in which I've been referred to by my friends, by the way.
I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted of being exhausted. And I'm exhausted of explaining that I'm exhausted. Anyway it's 9:30PM, and you know what that means...
