Hoping for a new blog post? Don't worry, I've got you COVID.

You'd have to have been living under a rock for the last month to not be aware of what is going on in the world at the moment. The bad news is, you're probably bored of being stuck* at home. The good news is, I've come out of blog retirement to provide you with at least 5 minutes of reading material and tell you about what this means for me.

*safe. You're safe at home.

I fall into a 'high risk' category
This is because I take certain medications (immunosuppresants) which weaken my immune system. If I become infected with the virus I am at higher risk of becoming more unwell from it than the average fit and healthy 32 (yes, I'm 32 now...) year old.

My job role has changed
I'm still an A&E doctor, but I can't see patients face-to-face at the moment, even the ones who come to hospital with a non-COVID19 related problem. There are constantly patients in the department who have confirmed or suspected COVID19, and even those that don't have symptoms right now could still be carrying it. Therefore I am currently reviewing patients with confirmed or suspected COVID19 remotely via a video consultation platform, as well as doing various administrative tasks to free up others who can still see patients. Whilst I know that this is the right thing to do, I can't help but feel a mixture of emotions about it -

I'm hugely frustrated that I'm not able to do my job - doctors, in fact all healthcare professionals for that matter, have an intrisic need to help people and not being able to do that because of something completely out of my control is incredibly difficult to accept.

I feel immense sadness that I am not able to see my colleagues - my friends - and comfort them when they are having a particularly tough day. The things we, as A&E department staff, often have to deal with means that we know how to keep spirits up (tip top bants, basically) and I really miss being part of the team.

I feel guilty for having an excuse to keep myself safe whilst my colleagues are putting themselves at risk day after day.

I'm super anxious that I'm going to get sick anyway and I will have stayed away for nothing.

People check on me a lot
Mostly my mother. But also lots of others, even some who I haven't spoken to in a long time. I guess that's the thing; when you talk openly about your medical condition everyone knows when you fall into one of the government's 'at risk' groups!

I have free time
Well, approximately 4 minutes of it between 'homeschooling' my children (iPads count as homeschooling, right?), tidying the house 17 times per day and going to work. Which luckily for you means that not only have I had time to make myself feel guilty for neglecting this blog for so long, I have also found time to write it.

When I turn my back on my kids for 5 seconds...

I will have to put up with pain for longer
I've been having problems with my shoulder for 3 and a half years now; for a long time it was assumed that it was 'just' a frozen shoulder, but no steroid injections, medication changes or physiotherapy made any difference. A couple of months ago I finally had an MRI and I'm sure you don't have to be a doctor to recognize that 'erosive arthropathy of the glenohumeral joint with complete loss of articular cartilage' does not sound like good news...

Normal shoulder x-ray

My shoulder x-ray

No one wants to have their shoulder replaced at 32.
Also, no one wants you to have your shoulder replaced at 32.
It's major surgery, a replacement joint only lasts 10-15 years and younger patients have a higher likelihood of early failure and the need for further, more complex revision surgery. Recovery can take up to 3 months and in the short term I won't be allowed to lift anything heavier than a pen. I'll be reliant on others to do absolutely everything for me (although I'm practicing wiping my bum with my right hand so don't worry, I won't be asking you for help with that) and I'll be hugely restricted in what I can wear for a while (my surgeon suggested ponchos...if that's not the biggest travesty of this whole saga then I don't know what is).

Obviously I do have a choice as to whether to go ahead or not...except I don't, really. My quality of life has gone downhill significantly - I don't sleep well due to pain, I struggle to lift anything heavier than a kettle (a concept which my children fail to understand), and even brushing my hair can be difficult. I have reduced sensation down one side of my arm and hand due to nerve impingement and my grip strength is reduced because some of my muscles are torn, meaning I drop things frequently.

So it was an easy decision, really. That didn't stop me crying like a baby though because a) I cry a lot (even once during an episode of  'Homes Under the Hammer') and b) it's not fair that I have to make decisions like this at 32 years old.

Anyway, I received this news 3 days before lockdown so, thanks to this stupid virus, I have to wait indefinitely to have the operation. When that day comes I will no doubt have a lot to blog about and a lot of time to do it in. And don't worry, even if I can't hold my phone, I can always do a vlog whilst wearing a poncho.