2013: A review

As I logged on to write my annual review of the last year of my life I actually let out a little gasp as I realised my last post was written back in August 2013. I knew I'd been away for a while, I just hadn't realised quite how long that while was. As well as taking maternity leave from my job I also decided to take maternity leave from my blog. It's just a shame that I can't take maternity leave from arthritis, too, but I'll save that whinge for another time. 

Before I remind you (and myself) about the highlights of my twelfth year of living with arthritis, I thought I'd share my New Year's resolutions with you all:

1. Lose baby weight. 

2. Stop eating so many doughnuts in order to stand a chance at achieving point 1. 

3. Be well enough to reduce steroid dose in order to stand a chance at achieving point 1.

3. Get better at updating blog. 

And so to the main reason for this blog post. Inevitably there have been bad times as well as good, mainly due to pain but with a few weeks of serious morning sickness thrown in for good measure. However, some amazing things have happened that mean that life right now, despite the pain, couldn't be better. 

- Getting through my last year of university.

- A much needed holiday.

- A marathon with a difference. 

- A pregnancy. 

- A new home. 

- Becoming a doctor. 

- Agreeing to marry my best friend.

- Great times with great friends. 

- Isla Rose Wade. 

- Going another year without letting this bitch of a disease defeat me. 

Happy New Year!

Six months of news

Yes, I'm still here. I know, it's been a while. For some reason, I was actually given work to do. At university. What IS that? What have six years of medicine taught me? That I should have chosen a normal degree.

Right. It's really hard to know where to start when you haven't written a blog post for SIX WHOLE MONTHS. If I had had the chance to tell you about what's been happening in my life I would have probably told you about the time I went to see Girls Aloud at the O2 in London with my friend, Sophie, and her mum, Tricia, and how my arms ached for days afterwards from all the clapping and arm waving, and how they left out one of my favourite songs, probably because Sarah Harding would have sounded a bit like this:  

I would have also probably told you about the amazing holiday my boyfriend and I recently went on, and how my hip set off the metal detectors at Gatwick Airport, and how the security officer oh so originally questioned whether I was too young to have had a hip replaced, and how it didn't set off the metal detectors at Chania Airport and I obviously therefore assumed we were going to die.

I would have also blogged around the time of year when I'm usually panicking, realizing I've got a marathon to run in a couple of months, and at least starting to consider putting on a pair of trainers. You would have heard that this year, however, was different and that I spent most of my evenings sat on the sofa, eating family-sized portions of banoffee pie out of the packet, with no intention of even getting up to find my trainers let alone putting them on. Once I even found myself watching Eastenders WEARING THE SAME CARDIGAN AS JEAN. I really need to start running again. 

When I first realized I wouldn't be able to run the London Marathon this year I was gutted. Regular readers of this blog will know how much the London Marathon means to me, and the thought that I wouldn't be a part of it this year was even more painful than the run itself. But instead I got to be part of it in a different way - as a spectator cheering the thousands of incredible people running for important causes, including two very special people running on behalf of myself and Arthritis Research UK. 

I've always found running the London Marathon to be emotional, but this year brought a whole new meaning to the word as I proudly cheered on my boyfriend, James, and one of my best friends, Alex, along the 26 mile course. Oh and by the way, they also happened to raise over £3000 between them for arthritis research in the process. 

...What else? At some point I probably would have felt the need to update you on my health. Part of the reason I haven't updated my blog in so long is because there hasn't really been a lot to talk about. This is a good thing for two reasons; one, because you haven't had to lose ten minutes of your life every couple of weeks reading about arthritis and two, because it basically means I haven't had much pain to grumble about. As a result I've even been able to stop taking medication for a while. 

And I would have at some point told you that I'm up the duff. I really hope you didn't just have to go and look that phrase up on Urban Dictionary like my friend Diviya. 

On that awful day in 2002 when I was diagnosed the freedom to have a baby whenever I so wish was taken away from me, possibly even forever. Some of the medications used to treat the disease are toxic to an unborn child, whilst the effects on a foetus of others are currently unknown. So I was told that if I ever want to get pregnant I would have to be medication free for at least six months before even trying to conceive. And then not take any medication whilst I am pregnant. And then still not take any medication whilst I am breastfeeding. Oh and somehow stay pain free so that I can actually function and, most importantly, hold my baby. For several years this simply has never been an option, because I have been too ill to stop taking medication for six days let alone six months. So when the chance arose I jumped at it...and I couldn't be happier.

Finally I would have told you about a great blog I have found written by someone else with arthritis who isn't 40 years older than me and who actually makes me laugh as opposed to making me want to eat my body weight in banoffee pie like so many other arthritis blogs do. I think you should read it.

http://arthritisactually.wordpress.com/

See?

You didn't really miss much.

And I've now finished what will hopefully turn out to be my last ever exams, so yay, we all win. 

Day 301: Pain is nothing compared to what it feels like to quit.

Things I expected Sunday to be:

Wet.

Long.

Painful.

Things I did not expect Sunday to be:

SobFest 2012.

I think I've just about stopped crying for long enough to tell you about one of the hardest days of my life. At 9:45AM on Sunday I took my place on the starting line of my fourth London marathon. I wish I had known then what I would know just seven hours later... that this was to be my last London marathon. 

The first few miles were great; the sun was shining, Team Cat was on top form, and I had an overwhelming urge to high five every child/adult/object in sight. But, as ever, RA was determined to do it's best to ruin my day, and chose mile 7 to start to attack my knees. By mile 19 I could barely even get my leg off the ground, let alone run, and for pretty much the first time in the history of my life I considered letting the disease win. Had it not been for Team Cat pushing me to carry on, walking with me and, at one point, literally holding me up, I genuinely believe that I wouldn't have made it across that finishing line. But, somehow, I did it. 

I have never cried at a marathon before, even under the influence of the mile 16 cider last year. But this year I think it's fair to say I more than made up for it. I didn't cry because of the pain, though. I have always said that I will run the London marathon every year until my body won't let me anymore. Well this year, at mile 19, I realised that this time had come, and I made the heartbreaking decision that this marathon would be my last.  I think people think I'm being dramatic when I use the word 'heartbreaking', but the marathon has become so much more than a 26 mile run to me. Over the last four years it has become my way of regaining that little bit of control over my body, and proving to myself that I have the strength and courage to beat this disease. As it turns out, pain is nothing compared to what it feels like to quit. From the moment I made that decision every time I saw friends, family, or ARUK supporters cheering me on and screaming my name that was it, I booed it big time. With the finish line in sight Team Cat joined me in walking down the Mall. But I did not want my last memory of the London marathon to be of me hobbling over the finish line so somehow I managed to find the strength to run. And as I crossed that line for the fourth and final time an almighty cheer erupted from Team Cat behind me. That feeling at that moment is worth the 26.2 miles of pain every time, and I will carry it with me for the rest of my life. 

Thank you to every single person who has come to support me, sent me messages of support, or sponsored me over the last four years, and to everyone at ARUK for giving me the opportunity to run for such a great charity year after year. Who knows; maybe in a few years I'll be able to give it another go. But for now, over and out.

Day 276: So 2009

Right, HOW is it 1st April already? I'm sure it was only last week I was sat here smugly telling you that I had 5 months and 11 days to go before the London Marathon. It's now 3 weeks to go before the London Marathon.

Errr, crap.

I know that since this is my fourth marathon now some of you are probably thinking this is old news, like so 2009. But I can assure you that this does not make it any less of a challenge... as much as I try to convince myself otherwise. 26.2 miles is still just as long as it was last year. It's still just as painful. And I'm still battling rheumatoid arthritis.

But there's something special about running the London Marathon - whether it's the kids handing out jelly babies and high-fiving you as you run past, or the complete strangers cheering you on and shouting your name, or the unbeatable sense of achievement as you hobble over that finish line in front of Buckingham Palace. The truth is I would be absolutely devastated if one year my body doesn't let me run anymore. People think I'm mad for wanting to put myself through that grueling 26.2 miles over and over again. But crossing that finish line on the Mall reminds me that I have the strength and courage to beat this disease, and that feeling is worth the 26.2 miles of pain every time. 

So this is the point when I shamelessly ask you to donate money to Arthritis Research UK. It's thanks to the work done by ARUK that I am able to keep coming back to the London Marathon year after year. Had I been diagnosed even just 10 years earlier my prognosis would have been a lot worse, because the treatments simply weren't available. Not everyone is as lucky as me though. Not everyone responds as well to treatment as I have done. And, as yet, there is no cure. The work done by ARUK is vital so that new treatments and hopefully, one day, a cure can be found. And if you still need more persuading, just watch me attempt to climb stairs in the week following the marathon. 

Thank you in advance.

www.virginmoneygiving.com/catbull

Day 195: The 'RA diet'

I am now into day 10 of being unable to eat properly. In a bid to get some food down me mama Bull treated me and my sister to a Nandos lunch the other day, but I was still in such a bad way that I only ordered one side with my burger. ONE. And I didn't even finish the burger. Now most of the time I'm surprisingly ok with having RA - after almost 10 years I'm pretty used to it. But every so often I go through a 'pissed off' phase. I am currently in the middle of one of these phases. Mess with me all you want RA, but don't come between me and my Nandos. On the plus side I've lost 3kg over the last two weeks, so every cloud and all that... In fact my friends have started referring to it as the 'RA diet'. So if any of you have made New Year's resolutions to lose some weight, just get RA. Simple. 

There is another reason why I'm currently in a 'pissed off' phase though. On Monday I did my first training run of 2012. I only ran 5K. 5K is easy. But seemingly in retaliation for my attempt at some exercise RA decided to strike again and I woke up yesterday morning in excruciating pain and unable to weight bare on my left knee. Not the end of the world, I just limped around all day and moaned to my friends a bit. However by the time I woke up this morning my other knee had joined in the party too. And now at time of writing I have pain in my ankle and wrist too, so it looks like I might be heading towards a full blown flare. It's ok though, I'll just comfort eat to cheer myself up. Oh wait, that's right, I CAN'T BLOODY EAT CAN I. 

Love,
Cat x

Day 182: Happy New Year

To say 2011 has been a bit of a roller-coaster would probably be the biggest understatement since someone said that RA hurts.

2011 has been the year in which yet another treatment has failed leaving me barely able to walk, with irreversibly damaged hands and, at one point, in the A&E department of Leeds General Infirmary sobbing my heart out and begging for someone to help me - yep, RA strips you of your dignity as well as your independence and nope, nobody could do anything  to help. However 2011 has also been the year which saw me celebrate my 24th birthday pain free for the first time in over nine years thanks to my shiny new treatment. 

I shall leave you, and 2011, with a quick run down of the highlights:

- Yet another treatment failed. And I'm pretty sure I broke some sort of record with 4 GP, 1 out of hours, and 1 A&E visit in the space of a week. 

- Despite not being able to walk six weeks earlier, I completed London Marathon number three (with a little help from my brother and a swig of cider at mile 16). 

- I passed my exams. 

- I started new treatment.

- I saw Take That live.

- I rode a bike for the first time in nine years. 

- I started an amazing new job.

- I got a tattoo: the co-ordinates of the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro - my biggest achievement to date - on my damaged wrist. It reminds me of what I can achieve despite the pain.

- I went to Wigan to learn about hips. And to talk about mine. 

- I celebrated my 24th birthday pain free. 

- I said 'shit' in front of some posh peeps... and talked about joints (of course) at the ARUK 75th anniversary Lantern Opera. 

- I started bone treatment. 

- I talked some more about joints at the ARUK All Staff Day in Loughborough. 

- I talked about joints some more. 

- And last but not least, I went another whole year without letting my bitch of a disease defeat me. 

...I have a pretty good feeling about 2012. 

Happy New Year! 

Love,

Cat x

Day 133: Tramadol, you bitch.

In exactly 5 months and 11 days I will be doing this...

...AGAIN. Mama Bull is going to kill me. On 22nd April 2012 I will be attempting to run the London Marathon for the 4th year in a row. Yes, I'm slightly insane. But there's also a very good reason why I am doing this - to fund research into new treatments for arthritis and to raise awareness of the disease and its effects at the same time. Plus there's also the great pleasure I take in being able to stick two fingers up to my disease as I hobble over the finish line. 

I'm hoping for a slight improvement on last time. I hadn't been able to do any training because I'd been too ill, and it was touch and go as to whether I was even going to make it to the start line let alone the finish line. By mile 12 I was ready to give up but my brother, Patrick - determined not to have got up at ridiculous o'clock on a Sunday just to watch me fail - climbed over the barriers and walked the rest of it with me in his shorts and plimsolls. If it wasn't for him (and the swig of cider I had at mile 16) I would not have made it to the end. I was then pretty much carried over the finish line by my dear friends Matt Cecil and Zoe 'the crowd loved me' Peel. Surely this time round can't get any worse than that...right? 

Also this week I started my paediatrics placement (that's kids, not feet by the way). As I may have mentioned once or twice, I've been pain free for a while now. It seems this has apparently turned me into a massive baby. Yesterday I woke up with some pain in my wrists. This is normal for someone with RA, and after 10 years I am well and truly used to it. However, after a couple weeks of no pain my ego had apparently decided  I'm now above putting up with a little bit of pain and I thought, 'I'm not taking any of this crap today'. So I took some Tramadol. Rookie error. Since I haven't had to take Tramadol for a while now, my body has become un-used to it and consequently I had a spectacular reaction. I'm talking fainting and vomming out of my nose and everything...right in the middle of the kids' ward. Mortified doesn't even cover it. Needless to say I won't be making that mistake again any time soon. 

In other news I have been trying to add a bit of humour to my speech for the ARUK 75th Anniversary Lantern Opera next week. As it turns out I'm not a very funny person. My friends said, "Surely you must have some funny anecdotes from when you were younger?" Oh yeah, of course, remember that time I was in so much pain I couldn't get out of bed, LOL?...maybe not. It seems arthritis is almost as unfunny as me. 

Anyway, I better get to the gym... apparently I have 26.2 miles to run or something.

Love,
Cat x